Copyright 2005 by Beth Mende Conny, ArtofSchmooze.com
All rights reserved in all media.

The content of this article may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for not-for-profit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Beth Mende Conny at Beth@ArtofSchmooze.com

Like a chameleon, schmooze changes in response to the environment and the creatures within it. What you'd say to your CEO in the elevator, for example, is not what you'd say to the tattooed biker on the next bar stool (unless they happen to be the same person).

Schmooze also changes according to your mood. Get a mega commission and you'll likely be more loquacious than if your TV died on Super Bowl Sunday.

But let's not stop there. Even if you could control your moods, you can't control the moods of others. Like you, other people have their good, bad and so-so days. And even if they could control their moods, they are to a great extent controlled by the moods of yet others, not to mention outside events. Companies go belly-up, computer networks go down, Mercury goes retrograde — all of these events shape conversations and sometimes cut them off.

I mention all this to make an obvious but overlooked point: You do not control the conversational universe. It's time to let that falsehood go. At the very least, you've got to loosen your grip on it.

Often we blame ourselves and/or take credit for how well or poorly a conversation goes. As we just discussed, however, our powers are not that great. Those with whom we converse come to conversations from someplace else, bringing with them experiences that bode well or poorly for interaction.

To illustrate, imagine you are at a wedding reception and get up the courage to talk to the woman you've been admiring across the room. One of two scenarios will play out: She'll be responsive or not. If she is, you may think you're God's gift. If she's not, you may feel like a loser.

But what if her response has nothing to do with you? What if she's merely having a good or a bad day? How might that change your self-assessment? What if her ex-boyfriend (whom she still loves) happens to be the groom, or her father is dying of cancer? What if she just learned she passed the bar exam, or landed a major contract?

Unfortunately, you are not privy to this information as you make your way across the room. But that's OK; after all, one of the most pleasurable aspects of schmoozing is discovering you were wrong.

Beth Mende Conny is the founder of ArtofSchmooze.com and the author of more than four dozen books and collections, including her latest books, The Confident Schmoozer and What to Say When Talking to Yourself. She is based in the Washington, D.C., area, where she conducts workshops and training sessions for corporations, associations and community organizations. She can be contacted at Beth@ArtofSchmooze.com.

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