Copyright 2006 by Beth Mende Conny, ArtofSchmooze.com
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The content of this article may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for not-for-profit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Beth Mende Conny at Beth@ArtofSchmooze.com

S-H-Y may not be a four-letter word, but it's often treated as one in the business world. To succeed, you've got to be "out there," cold calling, rubbing elbows, making yourself visible. Or so you've been taught. But shyness is not an occupational hazard. In fact, it can work to your advantage.

Why? To begin, shy people are often perceived as being more thoughtful and discreet. They're less likely to brag or be overly assertive. And because they don't command center stage, they may make better listeners and team players. If all that doesn't convince you, consider this: Introverts outnumber extraverts, not just in business but also across the board. Where would we be without them?

Know then that your shyness isn't an obstacle to your success — unless you make it one. I suggest you resist the urge by keeping the following in mind.

Shy = fear
Being shy is often the result of being fearful, especially in work situations. You walk into a networking function convinced no one will talk to you; you meet with a prospective client worried you will blow it; you walk into your weekly management meeting, paranoid you will say the wrong thing. Statistically, however, these things are not likely to occur. That's because most fears are just projections, or what some call F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real).

To convince yourself of this, I suggest you think back on the last dozen or so interactions you have had with colleagues, customers or business acquaintances. I bet you survived each, even if you were uncomfortable or didn't get the outcome you wanted. So don't fear the unlikely. Doing so will only make it difficult for you to interact with others.

Party myths
A stellar saleswoman in one of my Art of Schmooze workshops recently returned from an expense-paid trip to Hawaii, courtesy of her company. "Tara" was one of only a handful of account executives; she was also, in her words, one of the shyest. This became evident when the group socialized. Tara spoke of how self-conscious she felt one evening in particular, when her colleague "Bob" was regaling the crowd with jokes; she wished she could be like him.

Playing devil's advocate, I asked if she knew any jokes. "Sure," she said.

"So why didn't you tell any?"

"I didn't want to butt in."

"Could you have butted in if you wanted to?"

She hesitated. "Probably not; it was Bob's show."

"Were you the only one on the sidelines?"

"Actually, no. Several of us were pretty quiet that night."

"Did anyone else know any jokes?"

"I assume so."

"So why didn't they tell them?"

"As I said, it was Bob's show."

"Sounds as if Bob was hogging the spotlight."

She laughed. "Yeah, I guess you can say that."

"No wonder you were quiet. You couldn't get a word in edgewise."

What Tara ultimately realized was that being quiet and being shy are not necessarily the same thing. You should keep this in mind as well, especially when you find yourself sitting on the sidelines. Remind yourself that you don't have to be the life of the party; just don't be the death of it by hogging the stage.

Location, location, location!
I'm a shy person, sort of. It all depends on where I am. I have no problem speaking before a group of 100-plus, but put me in a networking situation with 100-plus (or even two-plus), and I start looking for the emergency exit. I blush, sputter and spend an inordinate amount of time at the buffet table, gazing at vegetable trays so I can avoid making eye contact. But so it goes. And so it may go for you.

Face it, none of us is comfortable everywhere. There are some places or situations that bring out our best and others that hide it. It's important to distinguish among and between them so we don't pin the "S" word on our chests.

One way to make the distinction is to do the "Schmooze C/E^sm" exercise I outline in my book, The Confident Schmoozer. Here's the short version:

Make a list of 10 places you recently found yourself in: office, training session, client's shop, trade show, etc. Also list non-work places: PTA meeting, gym, college reunion, pool party, etc. Next, on a scale from 1 to 10 (with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest), rate your respective comfort level. Now review your scores.

If you're like most people, you will quickly see differences among your scores, some notable, some not. These differences are important because there is a direct relationship between comfort and shyness; namely, the more comfortable you feel, the less shy you will be. This isn't rocket science. Nonetheless, you should keep this in mind lest you make blanket statements about your social skills, or lack thereof.

In conclusion then, rethink your definition of shyness; remember that it is relative. Once you do, you can't help but admit that you're braver, even chattier, than you think. Now that's a fact you should not shy away from.

Beth Mende Conny is the founder of ArtofSchmooze.com and the author of more than four dozen books and collections, including her latest books, The Confident Schmoozer and What to Say When Talking to Yourself. She is based in the Washington, D.C., area, where she conducts workshops and training sessions for corporations, associations and community organizations. She can be contacted at Beth@ArtofSchmooze.com.

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